Still. Life. It is My Story

Posts tagged “Jars of Clay

Aftermath

There’s a lot of changes that happened last year. It all started with hope that it would be a new start for me… Moved to a new place, gained new friends… even had a chance to break free from my mom… 

Freedom always brings more perks… and what’s in return?…  Responsibility.

I remember that short story about a  Puppet Master who created a puppet and move it with a controller which is connected to her body, eventually he gave the controller to the puppet letting the puppet make or decide her own movements… her own actions, everything is doing well with the puppet’s new-found-freedom, she learned new things, new actions, for her, everything became very exciting, not until the enemy came…

The enemy tried to get a hold of that controller…  and once he was able to snatch it from the puppet, he started manipulating the puppet… hurting her, and controlling the puppet to hurt herself…

Then queue the Puppet Master, he helped the puppet, in the end of the story, grabbed the controller from the enemy, and gave it back to the puppet, and the puppet decided to give back the control to her Master.

I am just a mere puppet last 2011, with no control to whatever situation led me to.  I know, I grew a bit, physically, emotionally, socially, and mentally… but in the end I still feel so empty.  Freedom sometimes will never feel like freedom, without the liberty of expressing my love for my Master… 

As what that song said:

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind

 

Just woke this morning and it feels like 2011 again… I feel just the same… Same regrets, same hopes, same friends-lost. Same bed with same dreams… maybe nightmares… 

People who are reading this blog might advise that I shouldn’t be looking at the past – well blessed is he who remembers… and woe to him as well.  People say that I have a very sharp memory, I thank God for that; I never forget important things and event, specially when my emotions are heightened… but having a sharp memory can also be a curse, it makes you remember everything… all failures that you’ve done, all the frustrations for the things that you could have done…

 Aftermath January 1, the first day  of the year; I had a chance to bond with my one of my best friend, there are lot of things that happened since we met last year, we are both different from the last time we saw each other… I just invited her to to my place, ate lunch, watched some movies, and  talked to fill the gap of the whole year that we didn’t see each other…  And just as I expected it to be… It is one of the most magical moments of my life…

She told me one thing that I’ll take heart for this whole year:

“When you grow old, all that will make you smile will be memories, good memories… so when you are young keep collecting good memories, memories that you can keep in your heart.” – Radical Flower.

2011 for me is not that really worst… but I know it could be better if I have live it the other way… To spend time with people who are already on my reach… to forgive the people whom I know I haven’t forgave, maybe first on the list is myself.  To move on… REALLY move on.  My life here on earth is too short to live in regrets…  I know the ghosts from my past is still there to haunt me down…  But I know this time I’m ready to face them…

And maybe start again living in the direction that the Puppet Master is leading me… 

“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead”

– “Worlds Apart” – Jars of Clay, Jars of Clay (1995)

†† – Philippians 3:13 (NIV)

 

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